Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
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I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
Received some very disappointing news today
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
Sex so good you see dead people.
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
There is no try. There is only give up.