[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
You Might Also Like
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.