i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
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*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!