DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
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Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
Modded the new Gran Turismo
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.