Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
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There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.