[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
You Might Also Like
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.