Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
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I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
this will hang in the louvre one day
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar