@ItsAndyRyan: Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
@LeonEarlgrey: So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she's just pregnant.
@Reverend_Scott: COP: Know why I stopped you?
COP: Definitely not.
"Cuz I'm on a unicycle?"
COP: That's the one.
@TheAlexNevil: Pro Tip: don't fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
@stephenjmolloy: Chief cop: "This might be racially motivated."
Ian: "Hate crime?"
Chief cop: "We all hate crime, Ian. That's why we are cops."
@qqnqui: Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald's. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.