@ItsAndyRyan: Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
@m1ss_chief: ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
@rolldiggity: Hate when the cop is like, "Sir, have you been petting kittens?" and I say, "I petted a few..." as I open the car door and kittens spill out
@Ivsy01: Him: You'll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
@KKAlThani: Whenever you feel depressed, imagine someone tickling Kristen Stewart.
@cheeky__gal: Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.