[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
You Might Also Like
Acronyms got me like WTF?
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.