Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
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*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
describing stardew valley
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.