teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
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I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.