Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
You Might Also Like
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here