Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
You Might Also Like
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.