Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
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There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
Midwest trash talk
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.