Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
You Might Also Like
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
love it when they get my name right
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.