Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
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Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.