*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
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Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
I love you…
…r dog.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
for all #parents out there
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.