@theyearofelan: Did it hurt? When you fell from heaven because they wouldn't let you in because you're terrible?
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@Jamie1947: Give a dog a bone and he'll be like, "Oh wow, I love these, thanks" Teach a dog to bone and he'll be like, "dude, I got this"
@XplodingUnicorn: 3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me* Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt? Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
@SatansTongue: Tv: The abominable snowman is very dangerous "Obamanible snowman...?" *obama walks in* Everything okay joe? *nervously* "Uh yeah just fine"