@theyearofelan: Did it hurt? When you fell from heaven because they wouldn't let you in because you're terrible?
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@AnnietheNanny1: What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
@FunnyMojoJojo: I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek...
@LeBearGirdle: Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch? NASA: have you ever built a space ship? Reporter: well no bu- NASA: it's really hard
@EndhooS: *Wife blows me a kiss from across the room* *I pretend to catch it* *I walk over to the window and toss it outside* "Grow up Karen"