I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
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I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues