Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
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Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
#Thanos #MondayMood
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
Lmao
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!