@amishschool: Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
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@mstluvstrinkets: Anything I accomplish before I finish my first cup of coffee has been fueled by rage.
@squirrel74wkgn: "Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?" ...uhhhh, for driving in space?
@ShanaRose21: I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them. Let's all be thankful I'm not a surgeon.
@BlindChow: 911: what's your emergency? me: what's YOUR emergency? 911: *starts crying* omg no one's ever asked me that before! me: jk I've been stabbed