Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
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I see your IQ test came back negative
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
Happy Febuary everyone!
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.