Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
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*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
Good morning, Twitter 😊
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
Finally, an instrument I can play!
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
I just love that new Pope smell.
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.