If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
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Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
You sure about that?
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.