[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
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TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys