@mrace_ventura: "Did you do your homework?" "Did you grade my test?" "I have other student's tests to grade." "I have other teacher's homework to do."
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@Ygrene: Me: I'm nervous about mingling at the party Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to [Party] Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
@daemonic3: [spelling bee] JUDGE: Your word is walk "Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk" JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
@Book_Krazy: Calm down 'Fitbit' joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
@DominicStraw: *at funeral* Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us. I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.