Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
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WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
me and my fake scenarios
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.