Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
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I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose