If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
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Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way