“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
You Might Also Like
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
Lmbo