Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
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90% of parenting is crumb identification.
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.