Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
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Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!