Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
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I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*