@BitchyJasmine: Did you hear about that music composer who committed suicide? His body decomposed.
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@ranndrew: Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th. Bae Cop: My parents aren't home. Come over.
@joe_binkley: "Opening a llama acting school called 'Save the Drama for your Llama." "No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?"
@SCbchbum: Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I'm getting paid to tell him his job.
@samfromks: Wife: Why the hell did you buy a buffalo? Me: I'd rather have a buffalo and not need it than need a buffalo and not have it.