I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
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1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture