@BitchyJasmine: Did you hear about that music composer who committed suicide? His body decomposed.
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@BuckyIsotope: ME: who's a good boy *kissy noises* DOG: I just murdered the cat ME: you are, yes you are *rubs dog's head* DOG: you're next buddy
@carlyken: *walks into work 20 minutes late* *boss glares at me* "Sorry. Traffic." *boss gestures to my Starbucks cup* "Oh this? I found it."
@withanewname: Extra car key Extra house key Extra storage unit key Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet - Keys to a successful relationship
@daemonic3: "Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly" *gestures to 237 IKEA boxes* "Let's begin! Who's got the Allen wrench?"