Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
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Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
Broom by every window for quick escape.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no