When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
You Might Also Like
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
Cardio Made Easy
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish