@9GAG: "Did you just fall?" "No. I attacked the floor." "Backwards?" "I'm freaking talented!"
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@kelkulus: I always sleep naked. I don't care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
@longwall26: Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
@XplodingUnicorn: 4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday? Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug. 4: You told me not to lie.
@Cpin42: When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you're reading this, I still hate your guts.