date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
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It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far