@9GAG: "Did you just fall?" "No. I attacked the floor." "Backwards?" "I'm freaking talented!"
@jimelliott5000: Hey everyone, my mom's following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
@XplodingUnicorn: Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don't you think that's too much? It's just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
@Samzen_: World War III will happen when Jason Statham kidnaps Liam Neeson's daughter.
@ricsem: Computer dating is fine... if you are a computer.
@adamrensch: Matthew McConaughay is for Matthew McConaughorses