@9GAG: "Did you just fall?" "No. I attacked the floor." "Backwards?" "I'm freaking talented!"
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@Shock_Monster: Frozen pizza recalled? The government appears to have changed tactics to combat drug users: Legalize pot, but take away their food.
@vineyille: [Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
@KevinBuffalo: Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
@RainbowJohnJ: *addresses the elephant in the room* *puts a stamp on the elephant in the room* "My pen pal is gonna love this."