@9GAG: "Did you just fall?" "No. I attacked the floor." "Backwards?" "I'm freaking talented!"
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@PaigeKellerman: 90% of being a parent is shouting, "Remember to flush the toilet." The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
@AndyAsAdjective: A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don't make the same mistake I did.
@Amburglar_: My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
@CoreyKeyz: You got 30 minutes to text me back or I'm breaking into your house & responding to myself.