DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
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Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
no
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.