@briangaar: DID YOU KNOW: If you don't eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
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@InternetHippo: [genie emerges from his lamp] Master, what is thy— [he sees me on the bed pointing at the remote like 3ft away] Are u kidding me
@WoodyLuvsCoffee: Not saying you're shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
@jamespianka: My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
@Marlebean: [outside a blazing house] Firefighter: ... Me: ... Firefighter: ... Me: ... There was a spider.