Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
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“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him