I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
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“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
Double negatives are never not confusing.
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.