@AliyanShaikh: Did you know? If you stand under the moonlight and say the name of your true love 3 times, you'll look really stupid.
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@marcia_bee: Turns out fantasy football is nothing like I thought it would be. Anyone interested in a naughty quarterback outfit? Serious inquiries only.
@trevso_electric: Just once, I'd like to see an honest Facebook status, like "happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!"
@david8hughes: [board meeting] "So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?" "I call it the 'Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower'." "Uh no."
@jimmytorosian: Wife: I told you to baby proof the house! Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.