@suzieQ0007: Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
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@internetluke: [friend consoling me through bad break up] "You need to eat, Luke. You can't just sit there" *i start crying more* Karen & I used to eat
@Sarcasticsapien: I like how when you pull down on a paper towel dispenser you either get half a paper towel or half the roll.
@WoodyLuvsCoffee: Overheard 2 dad's at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me. Joke's on them. I don't have kids.
@Maxine12339: Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant - you can only hide it for so long.