Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
You Might Also Like
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
greetings!
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
I love the National Park Service.
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches