Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
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In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.