Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
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If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
found my next D&D character name
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.