“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
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Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
Breaking news:
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week