Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
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*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
hmm conte-me mais
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.