Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
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soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour