Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
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Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
Whisper out to librarians!
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”