Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
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I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
They got Raph!
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.