Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
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I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
No laws when master is gone
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
Warm pools make me nervous.
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.