@StellaRtwot: Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he's happy you waved to him?
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@dafloydsta: INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work? ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE'D BE MATH
@maughammom: My 'Mom Voice' was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
@WilliamAder: Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn't leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
@ShutUpThatsWho: SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels [later] SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit