Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
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PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.