Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
You Might Also Like
Damn what did I do next
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
Good dog. ❤️
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.