be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
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Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
🤣🤣