@primawesome: Did you know there's a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That's not true. I'm sorry.
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@CulturedRuffian: No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I'd just go visit my family.
@KalvinMacleod: HER: I’m leaving you ME: Is it because I’m too literal? HER: no it's just we're not working out ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
@VaguelyFunnyDan: OMG guys just watched the news and those "COEXIST" bumper stickers totally aren't working :/