Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
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applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.